2020 - the Year That Wasn't

I have been trying to write a blog post about what the approaching end of the year means for me, emotionally and physically. It's so hard, because the year has just been a pile of crap, but so many people around the world have suffered worse. So, who am I to complain? 

I can't even touch on survivor's guilt at this point because, despite the vaccine out there, this isn't over. 

For the better part of nine months life has been suspended and we simply exist in this held breath of anticipation -- of either a cure or death. How do we reconcile all of that, psychologically? How do we handle being here while so many of our loved ones aren't? More than one in every thousand people in the United States have succumbed to Covid. That number blows my mind.

On top of all of that, people have been forced to work in environments that are pretty unsafe and dealt with all of the other 'normal' stuff in any given year. People have loved, lost, watched their homes burn, been buried in debt, buried their pets, been taken for granted and abused -- only in larger numbers. It's a consequence of psychological stress that crimes and other abuses have increased pretty drastically.

2020 is going to go down in history as the year that wasn't -- and that is the way it should be.

I have heard it from many people that they were surprised to learn about the Spanish flu epidemic of 1918-20. History has largely forgotten about it. Why? The answer is because no one WANTED to remember it after that terrible period was over. It was traumatic for the survivors and nobody wanted to dwell on it after it was over.

2020 should simply receive an asterisk in history with a footnote that reads, "It was the year without hope. That is all." We should bury this year like we have buried so many others during it. It's possible to use it as an example to be better prepared in the future for another pandemic but also brush it aside and look to the future. Honestly, it's the only way we are going to psychologically survive as individuals after going through so much. 

After the vaccination threshold for herd immunity is reached, people are going to be flooding beaches, having gatherings, and trying to feel normal again Yet, there is going to be a stigma to doing such -- a guilt that comes from how 2020 has changed us. It shouldn't. We lived. Mourn our dead and then let their memory become immortal upon the pyre of time, but don't torment yourselves for still being here. 

So, as 2020 goes out with a frustrated exhale of mental fatigue, let's allow it to be what it was without mentally caging us within it for the rest of our lives.

2021 is going to be rocky for sure but, unlike 2020, it will be a year filled with hope. You are going to be okay, and that is alright. Don't let your mind come back to this year, again. It's over. It's finally over.

All Aboard the Holiday Struggle Bus

 It's one day away from December and a lot of us are probably already in the same boat. Not quite a week after Thanksgiving and we are feeling just as stuffed as the Turkeys we popped out of the oven and down our gullets. We're at the point where we are slowing down, getting behind on routines, and pet projects are being brushed in favor of holiday festivities -- albeit socially distanced this year. It's easy to get lost in everything going on around us -- on top of the crap show that already is 2020.

I've been struggling with motivation for months and it has only been compounded by the holiday shopping, cooking, unhealthy snacking, and general seasonal blase that I go through every winter.

Writers and other creatives really struggle this time of year, adding to increased chances of suffering from seasonal affected disorder and general stress.

True, family stress might seem to be reduced this season as many people are opting not to gather with relatives for the holidays but the truth may be just the opposite. What's the number one gift that family gives to one another? Guilt. If you think guilt won't be an issue this year, you might want to think again. Seeing grandma's sad face over that zoom call isn't going to make you feel any better while stuffing gingerbread men in your mouth with only your pets to watch you this year.

We're all in a predicament this year. So, how do we combat it to get ourselves back on track?

1. Try giving yourself dedicated time to indulge yourself in your hobbies.

It doesn't necessarily have to be writing or anything as complex as creating something to start. Put together a puzzle, read a book, watch a movie. The important thing is that you need to have a safe space to turn your brain off and let it rest. Stress is a monster that eats away at creativity and relaxing your mind will go a long way toward healing it enough for motivation to come back. You may find that as you indulge in this restful time that you have an urge to create -- go for it! If not, then just kick back and relax with this dedicated time. If you repeat it enough you may feel the spark come back.

2. Don't let outside forces make you feel guilty for doing the right thing.

This is easier said than done. We have a whole lot of pressure on us to behave a certain way. In this trying time most of us have opted to stay safe and do our part to get through this pandemic. Yet, we all have friends and family that don't understand that and will do their best to guilt or shame us into doing something we don't want to do. You're not a bad person or a monster for saying no. Find a way to connect with other people who are going through the same situation. Social media is filled with folks who are dealing with these same struggles. Some treat it with humor, others need a virtual shoulder to lean on. It's okay. It's also okay to acknowledge the guilt and that it's okay to NOT be okay right now. Nothing about this time in our lives is normal.

3. The kids are driving you nuts? Super parent needs to take a rest and give in to compromise. 

For generations parents have been mocked when letting the kids watch too much tv or play video games, but in all honesty these are no normal times and if you live in a frozen tundra for several months of the year "go outside and play" isn't always an option. Here in Michigan we can experience weeks at a time where going outside to play isn't an option. Don't feel guilty for giving the kids games and videos to experience. Try to balance it with books and educational materials but our kids are going through the stress of this pandemic with us. They internalize a lot of it, and react far differently from it than we do, but it doesn't mean that they aren't suffering. They need an outlet, and if that outlet is sniping zombies in a virtual environment then they should be allowed that opportunity. A content child is going to be far less clingy and will allow dad or mom the space necessary to engage in their own stress mitigation steps or hobbies.

4. What if you're motivated but don't have the time for your craft?

This is a boat that I am almost always in. I have writing that I want to do, but it's hard to find the time to hide away and scribe. I call my solution 'guerrilla creativity.' I will often leave my chromebook open and handy. If my 4 year old is heading into the bathroom to take a wicked poop I will open it up and get a few sentences down. WHEW! 50 words! Not a lot of progress, right? No, but if you can find ten times throughout the course of a day to jump back to your work in a similar manner you can turn those 50 words into 500. A child's bedtime is also a great opportunity to spend even just a few moments working.

5. Leave the phone out of the room when you're writing or creating.

I see this a LOT on social media: "I should be writing but here I am on Twitter." Listen, this may come as a surprise but for every benefit smartphone technology has gifted upon us it has brought about an equally detrimental habit. I didn't even begin my writing career until after I deleted facebook a year and a half ago. After I did that I published 2 books. That's a whole lot of wasted time dickering with social media that I could have spent starting this career earlier in life. I'm not telling everyone to delete social media. It is necessary for some people to stay in touch, particularly in this socially distanced year, but there are times the phone shouldn't be with you. In this one respect treat your alone time as respectfully as you would treat a funeral or a job. Leave the phone silenced and, if possible, out of the room. If you don't feel comfortable going that far then just make sure it's only set to ring for emergencies. The whole point is to eliminate distractions and temptations. Once you take away that deliciously tempting toy your mind will naturally focus more on what you want to accomplish. 

This is only a partial list of ways for creatives to cope. We live in a weird world right now. We always say to try to be kind to one another, but it is equally important to be kind to ourselves. Take care of the foundation of your career/hobby -- that means you.

Wading Through Life and its Inevitabilities

 Progress on The Dreaming Sea continues to be uneven. I had a good sprint last week but since Saturday I have written around one thousand words. It's not so much a lack of motivation as it is distraction. I typically write the most after everyone else goes to bed but Monday night I was cuddling my kitten the night before her surgery to be spayed. Then, last night, I was keeping a close watch on her until one in the morning to ensure that she wasn't pulling stitches. Eventually, I had to isolate her in the downstairs bathroom for the night because her brother wanted to wrestle and play with her. It was a little too ambitious for her delicate state. 

Yesterday was also time for my annual vaccinations. The flu vaccine always hits me rather hard for a day or two. Very sore and running a slight fever today. My goal is to write tonight but it really depends on how I feel. I hate taking three consecutive days off from working on my book but I also hate writing uninspired junk, even if it is a first draft.

Mentally, I have been doing better lately. There's some sense of hope in life, again. Winter is closing in on us here in Michigan but there's a sense of movement in the world for the first time in many months. I feel like we are past the mid-point in this terrible pandemic. So much senseless loss of life. I only hope that people take precautions while we await the vaccines to become available. 

I feel like I can dream of a time when the distance between us doesn't feel so insurmountable. My children's generation will certainly have some interesting stories to tell their future grandchildren. They are scarred. I can see it in my teenager's eyes and the way my four year old loses his patience so easily. The anxiety has done something to all of us. Turn on the news and you will see plenty of evidence of it. I hope it will pass and that we will heal, in time.

I also long for a time when I can get out and meet my readers again. It's no secret that I've always been an introvert but this plague has made me seriously reconsider my stance on the issue. I miss faces and smiles, particularly the smiles. I have to believe that they are still there, though veiled by layers of life-saving cloth.

Hang in there, folks. We're far from out of the woods, but I think I see the treeline rising in the distance now.

Discover my books on amazon!

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B08KGSN1YM

Entering the Dreaming Sea

 The process of getting back into writing after a hiatus has never been an issue for me in the past, but the transition back into writing mode this time around has absolutely confounded me. It wasn't an issue of my skills getting rusty or losing my magical author superpowers. Motivation was my biggest barrier. With the continued pandemic I didn't really feel like writing another book to throw into the void. 

The release of Maestra has been successful but online sales will never equate to the experience of being in front of people, discussing my writing, and selling my work. It's validating of all the time and money investment that I put into my craft. I love creating art but there is an endorphin rush from selling my art, too. I have been that way for years with my other crafts that I create. Without the ability to get out there and physically sell my books I struggle with motivation. Occasionally I get a nice message from a reader about how much they love my book and that really gives me a nudge, though. 

Mental focus has been another issue. With so much happening in the world around us, and in particular the dumpster fire of hate and vitriol that is the political climate in the United States, it has felt really hopeless to attempt to do anything other than sit on the couch and wait for inevitable doom. They say to surround yourself with positive people in your life but I have very few of those around me. So, it's up to me to buoy myself back to the surface when life throws rocks at me. I am learning to dodge, even at 44. 

I've made two attempts to get back into writing on this new project and failed twice. I managed to scratch out a couple of chapters but finding a rhythm was impossible with so much noise going on around me. An attempt early last week resulted in me writing the hottest garbage I have created since middle school.

Yesterday I actually woke up with the spirit of writing back inside me. I had a productive morning session and a productive evening session. I wrote more than 2,300 words and have my story focused on course. Draft one of The Dreaming Sea is going to be different. It's going to be more of a skeletal outline than my previous works and may require an extra draft in process to get it all fleshed out. Normally I do three passes but this being a science fiction work it is going to need an extra level of pizzazz to get to a standard that I'm happy with. It's different from writing horror. Killing people is easy. Keeping them alive and giving them hope is hard. 

Also, today is the last day to get a free copy of Maestra on Kindle here! https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08H24LB12

Cheers!

Every Dream Ends

 As I drifted off to sleep last night my mind returned to Autumn of 2006. I was playing with my little ginger cow kitten in the foyer of my old house. I saw everything in clarity like I had never left. I could see the house just the way it was, down to the cobwebs dangling off the chimney pipe coming off the wood stove after a summer of disuse. The little kitty boy was wound up and when my then girlfriend opened up the front door he darted out. My dream of the past quickly turned into a nightmare that I also recall just as vividly. The kitten darted across the road into a dark woods. I could hear him crying from across the road. I crossed into the forest and searched for him for hours but all I could hear was his fading mews as he ran away, scared as the sun was setting. I couldn't sleep all that night. I put bowls of food on the front porch in case he came home. I checked every hour until 4 in the morning when I saw that half the bowl of food had been eaten. I grabbed a flashlight and looked all over the yard. I was about to give up when I peeked underneath my back deck and, sure enough, there was little Mango staring at me -- wild eyed. I hollered at him and he ran right up to me. I held him for hours, cuddling him as I went back to bed for the remainder of the night.

Then my dream turned to years later, in the Spring of 2010 after we had moved downstate to my home town. Mango would sit in my laundry room window every day, watching this little wild cat who would come sit on a bench beneath the window and talk to him. It was the same routine every day. Eventually, a few days before Christmas, the wild cat now name Clarysse decided that she wanted to come inside and meet her Mango.

They were inseparable. Just this summer we took in a stray kitten, then adopted another. Mango and Clare (after ten years together) were finally parents and loved their babies. Day and night they would snuggle and play. They were a perfectly adorable family.

Until yesterday. 

After two days of appearing to be under the weather and off his food, I took Mango to the vet for some tests. I believed he had a hairball based on his coughing and cramping. It wasn't a hairball, but liver cancer. His intestines had shut down. At 14.5 years old any procedure was dangerous and the doctor felt the prognosis was poor, even with surgery.

I lost that sweet little kitten yesterday. It hits particularly hard right now. We lost our other fluffy boy, Coal, just a month and a half ago after a battle with leukemia. All the while that we were tending to Coal our Mango boy was dealing with his own silent fight -- and we never knew.

I wanted to write this down, preserve his story in some form. He was much more than a cat. He was my buddy, and truly felt like my child. He is gone. The last chapter in his innocent little story has come to an end, and the dream has slipped into the ethereal. Goodbye, my big bear.

Back on writing hiatus for a bit until I feel better.

Cheers,

Stuffing the Monster Back in the Closet

 I haven't completely hidden my mental health struggles over the past several months but, man, did they ever get the better of me while I was on my writing hiatus. 

There is only so much family fun time that any one individual can take before they run screaming into the night. That needs to be said, and it needs to be normalized. You can love your kids more than anyone has loved anything in the whole history of ever and still reach a point where (especially during a pandemic) you just can't breathe anymore and need a break. I reached that point a couple of months ago but kept pushing through it. Once Maestra was done and turned in I didn't have that distraction anymore and Pandora's box of nightmares and anxiety was officially open and flooding through my life. On top of my own insecurities I was suddenly dealing with a teenager and a four year old also suffering from varying degrees of anxiety and mental health issues. I am leaving my poor wife out of this because she is dealing with things (better than I) and knows that I am there to support her in whatever way she needs.

Simply said, my mind has tricked me into believing that the entire world is falling apart. It's not my first rodeo and I'm sure it won't be my last. I'm intelligent and sane enough to realize that the brain is extremely skilled at coping with stress while still amplifying anxiety until seemingly small things blow up into crippling doubts about any given subject. Throw in a four year old who can make train horn whistle sounds for twelve hours straight right next to my ears and it becomes a situation beyond the stress of anything that I have ever experienced, before, in my life.

What's another consequence of this, you may or may not ask? Suddenly I find myself suffering from Impostor Syndrome, again. I've had a successful book launch just weeks ago but I now find myself incapable of starting my next book because my head is full of doubts being shouted at me from somewhere within the darkness of my mind meat. It's like this large looming monster whispering at me from a closet, beckoning me onward and into the darkness. It eats into my mental health and cripples me until I have days where I am incapable of doing anything at all, except keep my children alive and fed until my wife gets home from work. 

I have said it before and I will say it again because it REALLY needs to be echoed around the world right now: It's absolutely okay to be broken. The world is crap. This country is particularly crappy right now as we are the most divided that we have been since the Civil War. Tolerance and Acceptance have flown out the window and the few people who haven't been utterly polarized are standing here wondering if we're the crazy ones. I am heartbroken for the world around us and what it has done to us.

So how do I get through this alive, and also convince myself that I actually am a writer again? That's an excellent question. Several times over the past week I have tried to get into the new story. I found that I couldn't write any words on the page. It felt so intimidating. I didn't even feel that overwhelmed when starting my first book. Then I spent a few days just working on furthering my world building and outlining. I was convinced that having more of a fleshed out blue print would make it easier to start writing. I was wrong. It hasn't helped. I have tried to set aside a more private space to write in. Nope. Not helping. Last week I tried taking a day for myself and getting away to the family cottage to quiet the monster. In the silence it's voice got louder and I came back home before noon. 

Through all of this I am keeping in the front of my mind that all of this is transitory. We're 15 days from an election that will either help heal the nation or be a catalyst toward a new civil war, depending on how the winner and loser both handle the situation - will it be with dignity and grace or with open disdain and hostility toward the process which will incite violence upon one another?

Again, it's transitory. It has to be. This isn't the end of me, or of humanity. It will pass. 

When it does I will still be a writer. 

Until then I am going to have to learn to ignore that calling from the void that would rather break me down and leave me in perpetual darkness.

___________

R.M. Smith's Concentric Worlds series on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B08KGSN1YM

Hiatus Continues, Bathroom Remodeling Fun!

 When Michigan went into a Stay at Home order back in March we were in the middle of a bathroom remodel project. The contractor working on it wrapped up as much as they could in the final day but left a couple of days worth of work left to finish. They promised that as soon as the Stay at Home order was lifted they would be back the next day and finish. The Stay at Home order was lifted 4 months ago. I don't think they're coming back -- especially after the owner blocked my phone number. 

So, my wife and I are going to be handling the mostly cosmetic touches ourselves. A few weeks ago I installed a bi-fold closet door. Next up I silicon sealed around the bathtub. Tomorrow we will be picking up the paint. We had to wait until the end of summer so we could get some relatives to agree to watch our 4 year old while we get project-y. I love my son but he absolutely gets in the way like you wouldn't believe. This morning he went in after I put down the silicon seal and smeared it all over the floor and dug it out of the groove between the tub and the floor. Good times.

To no one's surprise, I haven't done much on my next book yet. Last night I finally made myself sit down and work on some world building. It's not much but it's a solid first step. The way my brain works, now that I have that initial step taken, I will build off from it at a steady pace until I begin drafting later on this month. I'm hoping to finish writing it by June, 2021 so I can actually enjoy a pleasant couple of months of summer weather off from writing before beginning work on the next book in the Concentric Worlds series.

Meanwhile, Maestra is out in the wild and selling surprisingly well. I am eagerly awaiting some feedback on it (good or bad.) I very much look forward to signing copies and meeting fans, again, when the world is a safer place. 

Back in February when I did my last book signing I had no idea that it could potentially be a year and a half before I would be able to do another appearance. This whole pandemic is still so surreal. 

I hope that the world will be a more united place once the virus is gone. I know my country has a long way to go toward healing. We've spent the last several years becoming so divided that life feels pretty hopeless, anymore.

One day at a time. 

Check out all my published works here: https://www.amazon.com/R-M-Smith/e/B07ZGH16ZC/

Author Q & A

 Over the past couple of months I have fielded some questions in real life and through direct messages on my social media about writing, some more specific than others. Here's my attempt to answer some of these:

Q. What got you into writing?

A. I had been working on a concept for a few years. I decided in March, 2019 to quit Facebook because social media can be a terrible thing when it gets under your skin. The same day that I deleted my Facebook account I wrote the first 1,700 words of Morbid Fascinations of David Bennett. 

I have wanted to write ever since I was a kid, though. In high school I wrote a never ending stream of short, and admittedly stupid, horror tales. 

Q. What was your first professional writing job?

A. Well, I can't really count serving as a head news writer at my high school radio station since I didn't get paid for that. For a number of years I did writing jobs as part of an independent contractor gig. I made a surprising amount of money writing the long-form descriptions that you would find on the back of Adult DVDs. Hey, it paid my utilities for years.

Q. Why horror?

A. Why not?

Q. Who are your biggest influences as a writer?

A. Clive Barker, H.P. Lovecraft, Bram Stoker, Arthur C. Clarke, Frank Herbert, J.R.R. Tolkien. Each of those authors affected me in profound ways. 

Q. Do I need to read Morbid Fascinations before I read Book 2, Maestra. 

A. Probably would be best. Otherwise you may be a bit confused and not be impacted as strongly by certain events in Maestra. Maestra isn't so much a sequel as a concurrent story that intertwines with MFoDB's timeline.

Q. Were you worried about writing your first book 1st person and making the entire story take place through journal entries?

A. Oh, definitely. In some ways it worked very well but it made for an incredibly challenging book to write. Trying to maintain focus on the story through the eyes of a character who is clearly losing his mental faculties is a rough job.

Q. Is Maestra written in the same style as MFoDB?

A. No. Maestra is 3rd person and more traditional in style. There was no way to write this somewhat epic story in a 1st person manner. It would have been far too limiting.

Q. Why change genres within the same series?

A. I want to push the reader out of their comfort zone a bit, as well as myself. The world is big, wide, and full of different emotions. Writers shouldn't be afraid of reaching out and exploring many ways of telling a story arc. Life has scary moments, funny ones, romance so why not use each book as an opportunity to focus on a different aspect of the journey?

Q. Did you always plan a sequel to Morbid Fascinations?

A. About halfway through the first draft I realized that the story had a lot more to tell. There will be at least four books in the Concentric Worlds.

Q. So, what's next?

A. I am on hiatus until sometime in October or November when I start drafting The Dreaming Sea, a standalone science fiction novel.

Q. Any advice to someone who wants to write a book?

A. Clive Barker once said to write persistently like it's your career. I agree, to an extent, but you also need to know when to pull back and give yourself a break. Don't take so long off that you start to lose the fire for the story. If you're overwhelmed by it just try writing in smaller chunks. Even if you only write a few hundred words every few days it is still progress and it keeps your head in your story without feeling like a burden. Break it down into chunks. Writing 500 words four times per week will let you draft a 100,000 word book in 1 year. It's all about perspective.

It's Happening!

 This past Friday was the official release for Maestra in all formats. The hardcover from Barnes and Noble is big and beautiful, easy to read and looks great on my coffee table. The paperback is an absolute unit at 646 pages.

I had zero expectations for the release of this book with the global pandemic eating into everyone's minds and wallets. I have made it available for free to Kindle Unlimited subscribers, as is my previous book. To my surprise I have actually moved a decent amount of books through Amazon since the release on Friday. Book 1 has definitely seen a boost, as well.

A year and a half ago I began this adventure into a career of writing and I had no expectation beyond wanting to share my stories with the world. I want to take a minute to thank everyone who has helped this dream become a reality for me. All the readers, my family, my friends who have all supported this endeavor - I am indebted to you all.

For the time being I am sitting back and doing what limited promotion that I can. Beyond that I am just going to take a few more weeks to relax and plot out the course for my next book before I begin writing it.

Also, I'm going to be playing with kittens. 

Cheers! Let me know your thoughts if you have read these books, and please leave a review where you purchased them or on Goodreads.

The Morbid Fascinations of David Bennett (ebook or paperback): https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1701845431

hardcover: https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/the-morbid-fascinations-of-david-bennett-r-m-smith/1134337814

Maestra: (ebook or paperback: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08H24LB12

hardcover: https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/maestra-r-m-smith/1137596053

Pandemic Kittens

 It has been anything but a boring week here. After adopting baby Reginauld nearly 2 weeks ago we discovered that he brought a feline respiratory virus into the house with him. Our little rescue ragdoll ended up costing us a fair amount of money because we had to run our other kitten and our 12 year old cat to the vet for emergency treatment for secondary infections. Oh, and then we had to run baby Reggie back to the vet because we also discovered that he has ringworm. 

On the one hand I am very glad that he came to live with us because his health obviously wasn't great and I'm not sure how long he would have survived in his crowded foster home with all of his ailments.

On the other hand I am incredibly frustrated with the rescue organization because it was overcrowded and we were given conflicting information on the health of the kitten and other cats in the home -- as well as his vaccination and neutering record. He was advertised as neutered but definitely wasn't (as he wags his junk in my face.)

The moral of the story is do your homework. We thought we did, but turns out that unexpected things can and will happen when adopting a pet. I still have no regrets about it. He's a sweetheart and little Arabella loves having a brother to wrestle with.

I'm still gearing up for the release of Maestra. It's hard to get very excited about releasing a book in the middle of the pandemic. Promoting my book has been very limiting and I feel completely lost without being able to go out and do shows and book signings to promote it. It's not even like I'm pushing a boulder up a hill, it's more like trying to push the hill itself. 

Authors definitely aren't in this to get rich, that's for sure.

All I want with my work is for it to connect with some readers and leave an impression on them, making them think or change the way they perceive the world. When I hear feedback (even negative) I learn and grow from it. It keeps me going.

Thank you to everyone who supports me on this grand adventure. Cheers, and I hope you enjoy the book.

Pre-Order Maestra on Amazon for $2.99 or free on Kindle Unlimited. https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08H24LB12

Gluten and Dairy Free Treat Perfect for Halloween

 First off, the recipe:

6 cups Cinnamon Cheerios

1 bag 10 oz mini marshmallows (the cheaper the better, will explain why.)

3 table spoons plant based butter

It's pretty simple. Pre-butter or spray a 9 x 13 pan.

Grab a microwave safe bowl. Put the butter and marshmallows in the bowl and microwave for one minute.

Stir the brew.

Microwave for approximately another 30 seconds.

Stir some more and make sure the mallows are melted.

Throw in those cinnamon cheerios and mix it all together.

Pour into the pan and try to smooth it. Good luck with that part. I suck at it.

The cheaper the marshmallows are the better because less expensive ones are more likely to contain artificial ingredients rather than dairy based emulsifiers. So, this is one time that those 99 cent store brand marshmallows are likely going to be perfect for what you need.

These treats are incredibly tasty but just because they are gluten and dairy free it doesn't mean they are healthy. Even Cheerios, on their own, are marginal in their health benefits despite the heart healthy claims in their marketing. Adding the mallows really pushes it into that category of junk food treat best kept away from diabetics and anyone else trying to live past 60.

They're so tasty, though.

Enjoy!

p.s. I write horror. Buy my latest book, Maestra here! https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08H24LB12

Nothing Ever Goes as Planned

 After finishing edits on Maestra I decided to take a 2 month writing hiatus. Should be peaceful, right? It's been anything but.

Last week my family adopted a rescue kitten. This little guy: 

Sir Reginauld Bunnington the First.

Unfortunately, he had a bit of a snuffle when he came home and was on an antibiotic to treat it. Well, it quickly became obvious it was a virus and not a bacterial infection because our other kitten became sick and the crud has now made its way to the other two senior cats, as well. They should recover but baby Arabella, the five month old kitten, had to go to the vet to be pumped full of fluids. Calicivirus is nasty. It leaves them lethargic, high fever, inflamed joints, ulcerations in their mouths, and many other nasty things. So I am here caring for convalescing cats, carrying my senior cat to his litter pan because his joints are so sore that he can't walk.

Even if I wanted to jump back into writing earlier than planned it's not going to happen.

Reginauld is completely recovered and just a happy little ragdoll. He gets along with everyone and loves to cuddle. Not a mean bone in his fluffy little body. He exists to be snuggled. I feel bad that he's going in on Monday to lose his nuggets, but it obviously needs to be done. My Chromebook is his nemesis, though. Whenever it is open he has to lay across the keyboard.

I am slowly fleshing out the outline for my next novel, a standalone science fiction piece. It should be somewhat shorter than my last two offerings. I think it will be great fun. It will definitely be more hopeful in tone than my horror books. 

Time to find out what the next few weeks of hiatus holds for me!

Be sure to check my author page on Amazon for all the latest updates, including links to all my books!

https://www.amazon.com/-/e/B07ZGH16ZC

Expanding the Universe

 Maestra releases in just under two weeks. I've been a bundle of nerves. This is my second full length novel and it is ambitious. When I set out to write this kind of book I considered keeping it pretty simple and using a safe approach but I knew that in order to tell Arabella's story that I had to give it a wide scope. Morbid Fascinations of David Bennett was closed quarters paranormal horror. The settings were few and the story relied on the claustrophobia to hold the suspense. Maestra opens up to a world far more vast than anything I have ever written before. It really challenged me to world build and I learned a lot in the eleven months that it took me to craft this 125,000 word epic dark fantasy tale of the incredible.

Maestra is divided into three distinct acts. Part 1 is all about getting to know Arabella as an awkward, depressed teenager. She is cocooned within her insecurities as a result of feeling different from other students at her school. She believes that she is utterly alone in the universe and finds herself curious about a mysterious stranger who takes an interest in her, although in the back of her mind she realizes that there is something terribly wrong with the entire situation.

By Part 2 we see the story open up from a relatively limited scope of a small Colorado city to a much broader canvas beyond anything the reader could have anticipated. Suddenly Ari's life changes. Time goes by, and she develops into a rather normal feeling adult, though the nagging of her past tragedies continue to haunt her.

What happens beyond this is for the reader to discover. Along the way she will find the meaning of family, love, loss, and what it means to take control of your own destiny -- no matter how tragic it may seem to be. Maestra is all things; it's dark, it's light, it's heavy and foreboding, it's humorous in its bleakest moments. It is a story of life and what one defeated human being is willing to do to save a world that never gave her a chance.

I poured my heart and soul into writing this book. It drained me and tore my heart out to create this fantastic universe. I sincerely hope you will join me for this transformative journey and learn why there is still a reason to fight against hopelessness in the world.

Maestra, available September 25th, 2020. Pre-order now on E-book for $2.99. Paperback NOW available for order, $21.99 Prime eligible from Amazon. https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08H24LB12

Also available in Hardcover and Paperback through Barnes and Noble: https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/maestra-r-m-smith/1137565822

Endings

 The past few days have been an odd time here. Over the weekend I finished Maestra and got it ready for release later this month. I was relieved, happy with the end result, and exhausted. I didn't feel like celebrating, though.

In March our 11 year old Siberian Ragdoll cat was diagnosed with Feline Leukemia. He was losing his battle since the end of last week and it sadly came to an end yesterday.

It's absolutely impossible to celebrate anything right now. The house is sullen, the other cats are roaming and looking for their brother. My four year old is coping the way young children do. My 15 year old is spending time with her mother 70 miles away and I can't be there to comfort her during this. 

Between the pandemic and everything associated with it and now the loss of our beloved Coal McPatches my memories of writing Maestra are very mixed. I am incredibly proud of this book and how well it has turned out. I sincerely hope that some people out there connect with it, also. However, I don't think I'm going to be able to read it or revisit my memories of writing it for quite a while. It came from the ashes of a world on fire and my own mental health struggles, which have become more serious of late. Somehow, in the middle of it all, I crafted this diamond that I hope shines long after I am gone from this world. It's a fairly bleak epic. The world around us has undoubtedly influenced the tone of the book. 

Arabella's journey will absolutely tear at your heart. It's the story of wrestling control of your own destiny away from those who would control it for us. We all may strive toward an inevitable fate, but the journey there should be on our own terms. Maestra is roughly 600 pages spanning years, dimensions, and emotional highs and lows in the life of one woman who simply wants to know 'why me?' We've all been there and can identify with the concepts of her struggles, if not the specific supernatural details of it.

I will be revisiting the Concentric Worlds in the years ahead but I bid farewell to it, for a little while.

In October I will begin work on my first science fiction novel, The Dreaming Sea.

The first two volumes in The Concentric Worlds are over 200,000 words and nearly 1,000 pages of Lovecraftian influenced paranormal horror/dark fantasy that will satiate the hungriest of horror appetites:

Find The Morbid Fascinations of David Bennett on sale now, and Maestra available for pre-order (releases September 25th) here: https://www.amazon.com/R-M-Smith/e/B07ZGH16ZC/

Why Does it Have to Be Yellow Jackets?

 It's been a fairly quiet August here in the Smith household. The kids are in virtual school, the pandemic is pandemicing, the new kitten has taken over the household and I have been editing Maestra.

I'm around 70% of the way through edits and I have a self imposed deadline of the end of August to complete the project. This was thoroughly derailed this morning by a pest problem.

For the past couple of days, my wife and kids have been hearing a 'mouse' in the walls and ceiling upstairs. You may notice the word 'mouse' in quotation marks. That's because when I heard the sound this morning I decided to investigate. 

On the ceiling of my 4 year old's bedroom I noticed a paint bubble. I poked at it and there is no drywall behind it. There was a tapping sound in the ceiling all around the area. I think, 'wow, the mouse sure likes to chew up drywall.' Then I slap the ceiling to spook the mouse. The result was a chorus of buzzing and the tapping became a clamor. 

Well, that's not good.

I walked outside to get a better view of what was going on around the roof. Sure enough, yellow jackets swarming the roof where they have made a nice little hole through the fascia and gotten into the attic. I hate yellow jackets. Every single summer that we have lived in this house (seven years now) we have had issues with yellow jackets. We had to cut down our pear tree. They nest in our shed, attic (two years ago), lawn, trees, and now in the attic again. 

So, we have the upstairs bedrooms closed, towels under the doors, and everyone is on the first floor. Pest control should arrive in a few hours to hopefully handle the problem with ease. Until then, it's a fun filled day of paranoia. It's also a rare ninety degree late August day here in Michigan, which makes it difficult to keep the kids outside all day long.

In other words, not much editing is getting done today. Fly swatters and flip flops are on standby in case the striped, stinging menaces decided to invade.

Also, pick up the new and improved ebook of The Morbid Fascinations of David Bennett for just $2.99!

https://www.amazon.com/Morbid-Fascinations-David-Bennett-ebook/dp/B07ZG4N2XB

I cleaned up the text and formatting and made a few minor adjustments, overall. FYI, anyone who already owns a Kindle copy of this now has the updated version on their device. Help support the war against yellow jackets with your purchase! Thanks!

Buzzing along for now...

I Did a Thing

Before I began writing Maestra I came up with a concept of an anthology series of very short stories, roughly 3,000 to 5,000 words. It would be Science Fiction themed and all involve stories with lessons built into them from Humanity's first attempt to colonize an alien world. 

While drafting Maestra I didn't do a whole lot with it other than create a bit of an outline. Last weekend, when I finally put the final draft of Maestra to rest I set out to write the first short story in the series before going on a hiatus.

It didn't take me very long to write up a couple of drafts and edit, so here is the first entry!

It is available on Amazon Kindle and Kindle Unlimited. It is 99 cents to purchase or free through the Kindle Unlimited option if you subscribe to that service. https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B08FBRWQVF

I will eventually put more stories up in the series. 

This story serves as a nice bridge to my next project, which will be a full length science fiction novel, tentatively looking to release in Summer 2021 (if there is still a world by then.)

Now a break for a few days before I begin my edits on Maestra.

Life Hack: Low Carb Pizza

This is not a paid advertisement. I'm a 43 year old who loves pizza with a passion. I also happen to be a type 2 diabetic who struggles to find things to eat that don't taste like cardboard.

This doesn't even really qualify as a recipe but more of a 'huh, I never thought of that.'

In the Mexican section of your grocery store you are likely to find a selection of either High Fiber or Low Carb soft tortillas. My personal favorite are OLE brand Xtreme Wellness Tomato Basil tortillas. They're about 8 inches in size, 50 calories, 15 carbs but 11 are from dietary fiber.

I toast one of these up in my little toaster oven for about 3 minutes at 450 degrees.

I then take three table spoons of any given pizza sauce (this will add about 5 more carbs, typically) and spread it out over the crisped tortilla. 

Next I sprinkle a quarter cup of lowfat mozz cheese on the pizza.

You can add whatever toppings you like. Personally I go for a bit of pepperoni, basil, and garlic.

Put it back in the toaster over on 450 for another 4 to 5 minutes.

You now have a relatively healthy pizza containing roughly 200-250 calories and 9-10 net carbs. Best of all, this is legitimately tasty thin crust pizza!

Here in the Midwest, Meijer also has their own store brand low carb tortillas. They are kind of plain and have a couple more carbs but are an overall decent choice for this.

The Toll

I've been pushing myself pretty hard to get this draft done. Originally, back in November when I began writing Maestra, I wanted to be done with all the drafting by July. Despite several hiccups along the way (including a motivation sucking global pandemic) I'm not really that far behind. Most of the credit can come from a second wind that hit my sails the moment I began writing the third act of the book. Not only is it my favorite part of the book (I really love writing gut wrenching stuff...yes, I'm sick,) but I could see the end in sight -- that always helps me kick it into another gear.

In the past week I have written 12,000+ words in this draft. That's a lot. I'm also paying for it. I've had many dreams and nightmares about Maestra over the past week -- not only the story but a lot of other stuff that goes along with wrapping up a book. I've had several anxiety attacks about the upcoming marketing push, getting reviews organized, getting the cover artwork finalized, etc. I've slept like crap and it is showing. I haven't felt a decline in my writing quality, other than my spelling ability, so far. I'm trying to throttle back just a bit but, with about 20,000 words left to write in this draft, it's hard for me to want to do anything other than get this book done.

Is this book better than my last one? I can't compare like that. I will say this is my favorite, between the two, just because it was so challenging to write. I changed perspective, genre, tone between books. Maestra is either going to be viewed by fans of The Morbid Fascinations of David Bennett as a natural evolution into a larger universe, or a completely epic scale failure.

I didn't become a writer to be safe and generate cookie cutter stories to sell thousands of copies. I became an author to create art and tell interesting stories filled with troubled characters struggling to do the right thing. Will it pay off? Time will tell.

Check out Book 1 of The Concentric Worlds series, The Morbid Fascinations of David Bennett, before Book 2 comes out in September. https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1701845431

Admitting What We Really Are

Last night I caught myself babbling to myself in the kitchen as I was fixing my dinner at 10pm. It all made sense to me. I was working out dialogue from the chapter I'm writing. My kitten was by my feet, waiting for some shreds of cheese and intently fixated on her daddy. She may have been wondering if I was having a stroke or breakdown, but was likely just waiting for me to open the bag of cheddar jack and spill some on the floor for her.

I realized what I had been doing and chuckled to myself. It would look pretty weird but I catch myself doing this kind of thing fairly often. I've also been known to zone out for minutes at a time, lost somewhere in the pages of my work in progress. I'll rouse from my reverie as my wife is shooting daggers at me for vacantly looking at a wall while she is talking to me or asking me a question.

Maybe I'm alone in this, as a writer, but I kind of doubt it. I think it's time that we all stand up and admit that we are a different breed of human being. I have come to terms with the fact that I am eccentric and am learning to embrace it. I've always been a bit aloof (which is probably why my wife's stuffy ragdoll cat and I get along so well,) but over the past year I have noticed more and more often that I will start thinking about something involving my stories and mentally leave the world around me for a few minutes.

Saturday we had some company up at the lake and we were all playing with the kids out in the lake. I caught myself wandering away from the group as I was contemplating how to add a romantic side story to part 3 of Maestra that didn't exist in the first draft. It kind of hit me out of nowhere and I didn't even realize that I silently left my group of friends, wandering out past a buoy in contemplation of how to add depth to my writing.

I'm curious if other writers find themselves doing similar things like this. I doubt I am alone in this. Regardless, I'm ready and willing to finally admit what I am:

Eccentric, aloof, solitary, quiet, reflective, obtuse, quizzical, introspective...in other words; a Writer!

Let's admit it: We're a touch odd. I am fine with it and wouldn't have it any other way (my wife might.)

Productivity Through Isolation

It's been a couple of weeks since I blogged and thought it was time for another update on the progress of Maestra. Things were going a bit slowly but kicked into at least medium gear in the past couple of weeks. That got bumped into high gear over the weekend.

At the end of last week I developed some concerning symptoms and, being in a high risk group, I decided to get a COVID19 test. That meant being presumed positive and heading into isolation until the results came in. Isolation involved being stuck in a a spare bedroom in my house that serves as a theater, office, and craft room. It's also not air conditioned and only has a couch to sleep on.

So I did a lot of writing -- like, 7,000 words of writing in 2 days worth of writing. I've now managed to get back on track to be done with this draft and go into edits by the end of July. I'm not going to celebrate, yet, because I still have roughly 1/3 of the book left to write. I'm just over 90,000 words and estimating the final word count of this draft to be somewhere around 135,000. This book is going to be a bit thick but well worth the read. 

Being forced to sit down and write was actually a great way to get some motivation back into me. 

Thematically, I have noticed some of the bleak state of the world creeping into my work, which is probably something that would be expected to happen -- but I have also noticed that the moments of hope are shining a bit brighter in this draft. 

There will be a light in the darkness.

Until next time.

Read book 1 of the Concentric Worlds: The Morbid Fascinations of David Bennett. Only 99 cents or free on Kindle Unlmited. Catch up on this dynamic universe before the Dark Fantasy sequel, Maestra releases this Autumn!

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1701845431

Advice for the Beginning Writer

In early 2019 when I began writing I discovered various writing communities on social media platforms. It was a great way to break into the scene and get some great pointers on which way to go. I learned a lot about subjects like querying, editing, grammar, word processing software, formatting my work, and the local vernacular. It really helped spur me on to the eventual publication of my debut novel. 

However, there is a caution to anyone else who may be new on the scene or simply getting overwhelmed by everything that they read in these communities. There is a dark side to it. It is perfectly alright to mute and block people who are unhealthy to your creativity or punch down at you because they feel like since they are published they have a right to tell you that your approach is wrong.

I think the biggest one that I see is the battle between Independent and Traditional publishing. People go back and forth over what is better. There is no clear answer, it depends on what works for you. Some people want total control (I am one) while others just want to write and not worry about all of the publication process.

Then there are the gatekeepers. These folks have already published and will be the first ones to curate lists of advice that YOU ABSOLUTELY MUST FOLLOW OR YOUR BOOK WILL SUCK. These are the ones who get on my nerves the most. They have created often silly rules that really have no bearing on the quality of your work or the odds of you getting published. My personal favorite is that you need at least 10,000 followers on social media or agents won't even consider your work. Runner up is that you need to pay an editor to edit your book before submitting to an agent. Both of these tidbits are complete bullcrap. Many agents will say they want to see YOUR work, not an editors. Also, if your manuscript gets accepted by a publisher their own editors will polish your script the way that the publishing house wants. Agents could care less about your follower count. Publishers could care less about your follower count. That is something that will billow naturally as your work starts to find an audience.

There are the people in the communities who tell you that they will only support you or consider your work if you follow them. A lot of people don't have issues with that but understand you aren't alone if you don't want to hop on the Quid Pro Quo highway. I prefer not to. It leads to very one sided relationships that you will likely gain absolutely nothing from. Why? Because those people have built a following by doing things like that. They are likely now on muted lists for spamming advertisements or writers lifts, etc. So, of their 5k-10k follower count their 'support' of you in whatever posting or retweeting form may be seen by a grand total of 20 people...and they won't follow you back because the ratio is more important to them. That's the point of offering support for follows in the first place.

So, new writer, what is the best writing advice for your new journey?

Take absolutely everything with a grain of salt. Realize that there are no magic steps, no secret to success, just hard work and believing in your craft. Do try to make it the best possible but don't let a bunch of nonsense spewed by 'professionals' pollute your work. Get feedback from people who like to read the genre that you write. That's your audience. If they love it then it doesn't matter what some high and mighty writer thinks. 

Like with any other subject on social media, you have to learn to ignore the disinformation. Not everyone is an expert -- no matter how professionally they may present themselves.

If I had encountered some of the horrible advice and gatekeeping before I had already began my book it may have made me stop writing. It breaks my heart to think there may be other people out there in the same boat or thinking of quitting because of what they read in these communities.

Chin up. You are going to succeed. Even if there are times you feel like an impostor or don't believe in yourself, I do. Now hold your head up high and let the words flow. You're a writer.

The Long Run

Last night I was listening to that classic Eagles album while tweaking my outline for the second act of Maestra. It seemed incredibly appropriate. This book is twice as long as my last and it feels like the second draft has stretched on for a long time now. Most writers would view being nearly 70,000 words into a draft as nearing the home stretch. I may be halfway through this draft. The more I write in it the more convinced I am that the word count at the end of this draft will be in the neighborhood of 135,000 to 145,000 words. 

Between drafts I began re-writing my outline for the second act. There were a lot of things that worked well but there were also a lot of empty space and things that seemed to fall flat. So, even as I am now 20,000 words into part two of the second draft , I am still redoing the outline for it every few days. It's not a mess, but it is certainly a form of controlled chaos. 

When I began this project I knew from the outline that it was going to be much broader in scope than The Morbid Fascinations of David Bennett, but I felt it was a tale that could be contained in 100,000 to 110,000 words. As the first draft progressed I quickly realized that these characters really needed room to spread their wings and come to life. I even pondered breaking the entire story down into three separate novels but I have to be honest -- that feels ridiculously pretentious for someone who is working on their second novel. 

So, here I am, listening to the Eagles in the twilight of their original run sounding tired and worn out from the journey. My characters are certainly at the point in their story where events have taken a toll on all of them, and the writer of their tale is feeling pretty weary, as well. I'm looking forward to finishing this draft (hopefully by the end of July) and taking a break before editing. 

They say that good art comes from negativity and boy is there enough of that in the world right now. It would be nice to think that any part of the bleakness in the world can be used for something positive right now.

The Misconception of What Independently Published Means

In my journey as an author I have encountered very few stigmas with the trade, save for one -- and it is perpetuated within the writing community, itself. What is an Independently published book?

It's also known as Self-Publish.

For me, the first thought goes back to an old episode of the sitcom Night Court from the 1980s in which a character had a book published that was ridiculous and hideously terrible. It was a punchline in the episode. The impression of what Self-Publishing meant formed in my young head in that moment. Ever since childhood I carried around this presumption that anything independently published must be terrible.

I was really mistaken. I never realized so many authors were self (or independently) published. Hemingway, Jane Austen, Andy Weir, and many others have not only written critically and commercially successful independent books -- but their stories have also enthralled us on the big screen as well.

Unfortunately, a tribal mentality forms within the arts. Independent filmmakers are crapped on by the larger studios and those who operate within them. Likewise, independent authors are similarly crapped on by traditional publishing companies and, sometimes, the authors and editors within them.

The truth is that so many wonderful stories are lost to the void because people won't pick up an independent book because there is a presumption that the story or writing is too terrible to warrant being published by a large house imprint. What these people don't realize is that many authors independently publish books for the same reason that independent filmmakers make their movies the way that they do: It's all about retaining control of your own vision.

Many authors are unwilling to make concessions that they feel will utterly break their stories, just for the hope of making more money from a mass appeal factor. I had some experience with this while shopping around The Morbid Fascinations of David Bennett. I had an agent who was interested in my book but wanted me to make several changes. They didn't like the concept of an adult oriented horror story. They thought it would sell better if I toned down the violence, made the characters younger, and threw in a new love interest to divide them. It would put my book in the category of Young Adult and gain more traction that way.

The feedback felt like a knife in my skull. My whole intention behind writing that book the way I did was to appeal to adult fans of the horror genre. In my humble opinion the YA market is absolutely flooded with cliched stories such as what this agent wanted me to provide. I wanted to write something different, something that could become part of an arc that crossed genres and brought something a bit refreshing and original to the table. That was when I learned that traditional publishing companies aren't interested in fresh and original so much as what will sell and sell quick.

So, I went independent. What is the difference? I've had to do my own promotion, work hard to make sure that I connect with potential readers -- including answering questions and concerns from potential readers who are curious what is in the book. I have had to set up my own critical reviews (which I have failed at miserably -- but it's a learning curve.) There is no advance for writing, but there is no one to pay back, either. I get to keep a much larger portion of my proceeds than a traditionally published author. So who wins? For the authors it is pretty much a wash. For the readers, it is a victory because it brings so much more choice to market.

If you have snubbed a self or independently published book, in the past, I highly recommend that you give a few a try. You may find some that aren't great -- but you will certainly find that with some traditionally published books, as well. What you will find in independently published books is the author's true vision, the intact story that they meant to tell -- not diluted for market saturation. There are incredible books out there, just waiting to be discovered!

The Morbid Fascinations of David Bennett. Only 99 cents on Kindle, or $12.99 in beautiful matte finished paperback with gentle-on-the-eyes cream colored paper.

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1701845431

Writer Interrupted

I honestly felt like I was back on track with my writing over the past couple of weeks. I mean, I don't think motivation is my problem right now but a furry little monkey wrench was tossed into the process yesterday afternoon.

My 4 year old was playing in the front yard when he stepped on a bee and got stung in the bottom of the foot. As luck would have it we couldn't find our antibacterial ointment. So, my wife left to drive up to the local dollar store to pick some up. About five minutes later she opened the door and called for me to help her.

I had been in the middle of relaxing with a paint by number beach scene for our cottage and sweating through my shorts on a 95 degree day when I heard the commotion. I got up and saw my wife holding a kitten. It had been on the hot pavement at a 4 way stop in the downtown area of our rural farm town. She was panicked and the kitten was bug-eyed and wild. She wasn't having any of it. Little baby tiger girl had a bad limp, conjunctivitis in her eyes, and a bloated belly. It didn't take long to realize that she was likely part of a feral litter a block from where my wife had found her. 

Now, caring for feral cats is great but PLEASE try to work with your veterinarian on a trap/neuter or spay/release plan to cut down on the likelihood of neglected kittens getting thwacked by traffic on busy roads. This little girl was lucky and, though we know where she likely came from, we won't be returning her to live outdoors and wild. 

She was maybe 7 weeks old. Her eyes are transitioning to their adult color and she immediately went to the food bowl. Within an hour she was welcoming pets and by the evening wanting to snuggle. Feral kittens this young tame quickly. It helped that the moment she came into the house our 14 year old ginger turkish van welcomed her, showing her the food bowl. 

By this morning she has already litter trained and made peace with the other cats. 

My poor wife had the little girl at the vet until 11pm last night, getting xrays on her hip and leg. Fortunately nothing is broken and she was sent home with dewormer and antibiotic. We both slept like crap, still stressed from the day and wondering if our other cats would rough her up overnight.

They were all fine this morning. When things get too hectic young Arabella (named after the protagonist in my forthcoming novel, Maestra) hides beneath the television stand for a few moments until things quiet down. Her limp isn't as bad and she enjoys playing with toys -- both her own and my 4 year old's, much to his chagrin. 

Life will slowly return to a new normal, but for a couple of days it probably means no writing. I didn't have time as I was tending to a concerned 4 year old who couldn't understand why mommy wasn't home to tuck him in last night. Today I am groggy after maybe 2 or 3 hours of sleep last night, wondering if baby was going to hold her own in our house or find a way to injure herself with a house full of fun and potentially fatal toys!

Just when the ducks are in a row, one waddles away again. So I am spending a couple of days just ushering them back into place while Mango, Clarysse, and Coal adapt to sharing their home with hyper little Ari. 

In the end the journey will resume. Sometimes life gets in the way...as it should!

Finding My Voice as a Writer

One year ago I was wrapping up the final draft of The Morbid Fascinations of David Bennett. I thoroughly loved writing the story but it was also one of the most frustrating experiences of my life. In my life I have written hundreds of short stories, essays, poems, but for my first published work I decided to write in first person for the first time -- not only in first person, but in the form of journal entries. Oh, holy crap was that a choice.

In the end it all worked but for months I labored to strike a balance between telling the story and showing the events through the character's eyes. In order to present it with a proper believability I had to restrain myself from describing things in too much detail, limiting what was shown to what the main character could possibly know or understand. During the course of the story he gradually succumbs to oppression and other factors that deteriorate his mental faculties until we're left with a story that has a number of loose ends.

In feedback and reviews I have had plenty of questions about these loose ends. My answer is, that there are more stories to be told within this universe that began with David Bennett's tale. He is just a small part of a world that will continue to expand over many novels. The other books aren't necessarily sequels or prequels but take place within the same universe and occasionally characters from one book will find themselves with roles in others. 

The storytelling will also evolve. 

In Maestra we will see a few familiar faces from The Morbid Fascinations of David Bennett, but this isn't necessarily their story. This one belongs to new characters who are the focus of the events within. The perspective has also changed. I have traded first person for third person perspective in order to tell this tale properly. We have left the pure closed quarters paranormal horror behind and are venturing into a dynamic new world with fluid characters. Maestra is much more dark fantasy than horror, although there will be plenty of chilling events to freeze the soul within its binding.

I just finished the second draft of part one of three. It grew about 11,000 words from the first. The complete first draft of Maestra (then Maestri) was 105,000 words. It is safe to say that this draft will be anywhere from 130,000 to 150,000 words. A lot of elements are changing along the way. Some things that I thought would work in the first draft just didn't click by the end. Also, I came up with a few new ideas to incorporate before starting the second draft and I wanted to fit them in. Those things, along with fleshing out characters, locations, and events will lead to a hefty word count. I don't expect editing to knock the count back all that much.

So things are plopping along, a bit slowly, but they are happening. Hopefully I will have part two done by the end of June, or early July. Ideally I would love to have edits wrapped up in September.

In the meanwhile, The Morbid Fascinations of David Bennett is only 99 cents, right now, on Kindle or FREE with Kindle Unlimited. The paperback is also beautiful and would look wonderful in any physical collection. https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1701845431

I hope you join me on the ground floor of this epic new universe, filled with things both wondrous and horrific.

Life Hack: Cheap Dinner for the Whole Family

This is an off topic post. Usually I blog about writing but occasionally I love to throw a curve ball out there.

I saw a discussion about cheap meal options for families amid this crisis and wanted to share a dish that I have been making for years. Cheap and tasty.

Pasta Bake.

1 box (12 ounce to 16 ounce) any kind of pasta noodles that tickle your whatsit
1 8 ounce bag of shredded cheese (or you can shred your own if that's your jam. I prefer cheddar for this)
3 cloves of diced garlic
1 teaspoon black pepper
1 tablespoon dried italian seasoning
1 26 ounce can of tomato soup (or 2 regular sized cans if your wrists need the extra exercise.)

Cook up the pasta as directed.

Drain and stir in the tomato soup.

Stir in the diced garlic, seasonings, and pepper

add in 1/2 cup of cheese and mix in

put in an oven safe pan -- around 9 x 13 in size or something similar.

Cover with the remaining cheese from the bag

Bake at 400 degrees for right around 10 minutes.

Voila!

This entire meal can feed about 4 people, or 2 really hungry ones for roughly $5-$7, depending on whether you buy store brand ingredients or not.

Hope you enjoyed this.

Buy my book:

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1701845431

It's Been How Long?!

I woke up this morning feeling a bit scruffy and thought to myself, well it's been a good week since I shaved. Look in the mirror and realized I look like Sasquatch's slightly furrier cousin. Wow. Time has gotten away from me lately. Or, to phrase it more correctly, Time has become completely meaningless.

Here in Michigan we're on week 9 of our lock down. I'm not getting into politics of it because we're in uncharted territory and it is what it is. I'm a good boy and try to do my part.

It's like the world ended on Saint Patrick's Day, though. Even the weather feels pretty much like it did in mid March. Spring has yet to arrive here. It's all coming together to create the perfect illusion that time has actually stopped. After I realized that it's now mid May I had to double check all of my bills to make sure I hadn't let anything lapse in recent weeks.

I also realized exactly how far behind I am on my writing. I wanted to be in edits by the beginning of June. Not going to happen. I'm about 25% of the way through draft 2 and can't imagine that I will be finished with this draft until July. So, my plan is to have this book finished by October now. I'm not going to rush it.

Could I even tell if I am rushing it? It feels like I have lost the ability to measure any kind of progress in my life. It's a bit like being a kid again. Every day felt the same back then, too. I wonder how my four year old is perceiving all of this. It feels like we just had his birthday (which unfortunately happened during all of this) and then I realize it was over a month and a half ago.

Anyone else out there suffering from Pandemic Induced Dementia?

Oh, well. It's just another day in paradise...at least I think it's another day?

Also, if you're bored or like scary stuff - only 99 cents now or free on Kindle Unlimited:

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1701845431

Growth and Reflection

It's been half a year since the release of The Morbid Fascinations of David Bennett. I can't believe it's been that long, actually closer to seven months now. It's also bee roughly six months since I began my current work in progress.

So much has changed with the world, and my perspective on it since my debut released into the world. I have learned how to appreciate criticism without letting it devastate me. I have also learned to discern what qualifies as criticism versus knit picking or tearing down. I also have learned to appreciate that people will have very different reactions to my work depending on their own philosophy. It should have been obvious to begin with, but I was singularly focused and pretty obliviously obtuse about what life as an author is really like.

In the best moments it has been overwhelming, uplifting, vindicating, and just pure fun.

In the worst moments it has been frustrating, draining, humbling, and downright devastating.

You know what, though? I wouldn't trade it for the world.

My writing routine looks a lot different than it did a year ago. Back then I was struggling to find time to write amid a busy life as a work from home dad. Then, when I started drafting my current novel I had more scheduled time and it flowed much better. Now, I have time, support, but I also have extended periods of malaise as a direct result of the pandemic sweeping across the globe. It all makes life feel rather pointless, these days. Some days are better than others. I went from a pace that allowed me to complete the first draft of my current work in four months to being stuck in the first act of the second draft for the past two months.

So, what have I learned about the journey of being a writer, so far? It's not just a job or a career -- it's a lifestyle. It's a complete immersion into a new way of existing...and unless you can handle wear and tear, physically and mentally, it's going to wear you down like a jagged stone in a river. A year ago I was a very jagged rock. Now I'm but a humble little pebble who has learned to let the current flow around me without sweeping me away with it.

The New Normal

I can't believe that we are settling in to our new routine. Either the human mind is incredibly adaptive or we have all simply accepted our insanity. Here in Michigan we have been under a stay at home order since the middle of March -- nearing the six week mark. It just got extended until May 15th. Personally, while I understand it and endorse it I would be utterly mad if it wasn't affecting me. My family goes through strange days where things feel normal for a while and then someone will end up breaking down. Early on I was handling it poorly. I think I've mostly settled into an at least even-keeled attitude over the past few weeks.

My writing is still a victim in all of this. I tend to write every other day. Sometimes the inspiration just isn't there and I can't force it. Yesterday I sat down to write but there was too much else going on around here and I only got about 400 words out, and most of those will need to be re-written. I'm around 22,000 words into the 2nd draft of Maestra.

It is going to be good, once done. I will be happy to set it free unto the world. After that, I will be glad to be done with this fantasy/horror universe that I created for a while. Don't get me wrong, I am very happy with these first two novels and I think readers will be surprised at the twisting linkage between the two. Maestra isn't so much a sequel as simply taking place in the same universe and utilizing some of the same characters to bring closure to their arcs. Writing this story has wrenched my heart and I have a lot of negative emotions from my experience of the world around me while writing Maestra. Again, the work is good. It's fresh, original, and a bit epic in scope compared to The Morbid Fascinations of David Bennett -- but everything going on around me has soured me on the pure horror genre for the time being.

I have no doubt that I will return to writing horror in a year or two. I have several stories outlined and ready to go.

My next project will be science fiction. It will be bleak, dark (quite literally,) and actually include a bit of hope -- which my horror writing lacks. Basically, writing so much darkness while going through such a dark time in the history of human-kind, isn't good for my mental health. When the sun comes out from behind the corona (pun intended,) and I can once more interact with friends without a screen between us, I will return to writing horror.

So, with any luck, draft two of Maestra will wrap by the end of June at the pace that I am working on. I am planning to take my time with edits and any additional re-writes. So if it is out by September or October I will be happy. Maybe next year there will even be some book signings in my future.

Hope everyone is staying safe and keeping their loved ones as near as possible. Take care.

_______________
Reduced to 99 cents on Kindle, read The Morbid Fascinations of David Bennett before the epic continuation releases this Fall: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1701845431

Living Through This

It's been more weeks than I can count since anything seemed normal. A few weeks ago I wrote a post about dealing with the depression that comes along with living under a stay at home order. I understand it, I support it, but it is rough. It hasn't felt any more normal as time passes, either.

I hit a point where I couldn't come back after I finished the first draft of Maestra. I took less than two weeks off, but when I sat down to write again it was emotionless. My writing voice was gone. It wasn't because my talent had suddenly slipped away in the middle of the night. It was because my heart wasn't into it. My heart wasn't into anything any longer. I couldn't settle in to work on anything. All I kept doing was checking the news to see if anything was real.

I forced myself to write in small chunks, and eventually I rebounded to being back into my story. Some days still suck, and more than once I have had to walk away from the draft for a couple of days. I'm never going to forget the struggle I am having with getting this story formed and typed out. I'm a very linear writer, going from A to B in the most direct path. Taking breaks, for my own mental health, only makes me feel worse. I feel like I am getting behind on some made up schedule that never existed in the first place.

Breathe.

It's going to be okay.

Most likely...as long as I stay away from people and remember my mask when I'm in public.

Breathe again.

Each day is its own little universe right now.

If you are reading this and feeling broken or defeated, know that you aren't alone. This isn't coming from some Hollywood star sitting in a mansion. This is coming from a very sympathetic writer seated at a folding craft table where he spends most of his time either writing or on art projects to pass the endless days until society resumes.

We will get there. We have to believe that.

Take care of yourself and I'll see you all when the sun comes out from behind the clouds.

Dreaming of the End

I've been trying to think of something useful to write for a new blog entry over the past week but it's very hard to come up with anything inspiring during these crazy times.

I've been self isolating for the better part of a month now and my state has officially joined others in the 'Stay at Home' directive. So, for the next three weeks I have plenty of time to sit around and do a whole lot of writing...or not.

I am scheduled to begin the second draft of Maestri (possibly Maestra) this weekend. I may pick it up a couple of days early but I'm still trying to recover from the mental fatigue involved in writing 3 drafts worth of manuscripts within one calendar year. Some people can do it with ease -- I'm not one of them, apparently. By the end of draft one I was in dire need of a break.

Over the past week I've read a bit, tried to relax, waited through a bathroom renovation project that was nearly finished before the state shut down, and just spent time working from home at my other job.

The bathroom project came down to the wire on Monday. It's not painted, but it's functional. Just have to wait three weeks for the finishing touches. I keep reminding myself that it could be far worse. There are people scared, sick, dying so it would be extremely selfish to care about something as trivial as a bathroom remodel at this point.

I dream of warm Spring days sitting in my lawn swing with my chromebook on my lap, typing away at the second draft of this book. I also dream of seeing friends, again. I'm incredibly antisocial but I promise to get out more and stop self isolating so much once all of this is over.

If anyone wants to bury themselves in a book, though, not only is my debut available for Free on Kindle Unlimited, but it is also now only 99 cents. I don't expect people to shell out money if they are among the millions out of work right now, and I do appreciate the support if you choose to spend one of those precious dollars on my work. Thank you. Even if you just stop in to read this bland little blog, thank you.

-R. M. Smith

https://www.amazon.com/Morbid-Fascinations-David-Bennett-ebook/dp/B07ZG4N2XB/

In a Strange Land

Yesterday I completed the first draft of Maestri. It came in around 103,000 words over 353 pages. I'm sure that word count will change a fair bit in the next pass. I already have some ideas for what I want to change and thinks I would like to add or subtract.

So today begins my imposed two week hiatus from writing...and what a time it is to have not much of anything to do!

As I write this my 3 year old is making train-like droning noises to my right while my 14 year old is typing away on her Chromebook on school work that was sent home during the shutdown. She optimistically thinks she will be going back in early April. Personally, I think the school year is in the books.

I've never been one to go out and be social but even I am feeling this in the form of some ethereal claustrophobia holding me in place. It's like I am isolated in this tiny little world with kids, cats, and a wife who is increasingly despondent as the days pass. I'm not sure what to tell any of them. The odds are that all of us will be okay. I'm in a high risk group but I know the odds are in my favor. Still, witnessing the world come to a screeching halt and our financial future suddenly in doubt is not something fun to experience.

I am one of the fortunate ones who does have a safety net to fall back on. We live without debt and could, in an emergency, sell our vacation property (if anyone is buying.) Many people don't have more than a few bucks in their savings -- if they have a savings. Less than five years ago that was me.

All we can really do is be patient and kind toward one another. You know how there's always this one jerk that everybody loathes but when that person actually goes through a tragedy you suck it up, offer your sympathy, and wish them peace? Let's just pretend that every stranger you meet from now on is that person. You may not like what they are doing and they may rub you the wrong way but just show a bit of compassion toward one another. It will go a long way toward helping us all rise out of this into whatever changed world we find waiting on the other side of the Coronavirus Pandemic.

Be kind to one another.

The Existential Toilet

I'm a creature of habit.

Currently, I'm a creature of habit without a toilet.

Well, technically I have one -- upstairs in my house -- but the one on the first floor is completely gutted and looking incredibly rough.

That's right, tax time in the Smith household means home renovations!

So, for the next week or two the four of us in the house will all be sharing my daughter's 40 sq ft rectangle that she calls a bathroom, complete with 36" x 36" shower that is barely big enough for me, let alone my tall wife.

I've been grumpy. I failed to think through the ramifications of having to share way too much space with every other member of my family. I'm not a social person and no longer having a first floor bathroom has turned me into something of a bear.

During the day when the contractors are here I've been taking my soon to be 4 year old upstairs with me to hang out. We have 4 bedrooms upstairs, and a movie theater! Yet, this kid isn't happy. He wants to come downstairs and watch the workers, which I won't allow him to do. It's loud, the air is full of dust and insulation particles, and it's just unpleasant and he doesn't need to be underfoot.

So, now he's grumpy too.

I've been contemplating my recent angst and attempting to find a further meaning in it. I think it's just a loss of power and control in a situation and no longer feeling completely comfortable in a place that has always been extremely safe.

I'm having an existential crisis...over a toilet. It's not the toilet, itself, it's what the toilet represents. It represents gleaming, pristine, porcelain freedom to be able to roam my house and not have to tiptoe upstairs to take care of business when everyone is asleep. It's about being able to shower and groom on my own schedule instead of the twenty allotted minutes that I currently have!

The real question, though, is why does any of that matter? It's not a big deal, really! So why does it needle me so much?

It's like I'm living at home with my parents, twenty five years ago. I suddenly feel like I am on a clockwork schedule, have zero privacy, and have a mountain of things to do that I can't get done because someone is constantly in my way!

It's affecting my writing schedule, too, and that really throws me into a snit. Last week it was my poor, fluffy kitty boy tossing my writing into chaos. Now it's an ample-cracked plumber walking up and down the stairs all day, who's searching for leaky pipes and making sure that the water pressure is good for both bathrooms.

This isn't fun!

Yes, I will live.

Again, it's not a big deal. Somebody just needs to tell my brain it's not a big deal.

I miss my bathtub, too. *sigh*

Life Interrupted

Just when I'm on a roll and nearly finishing a stage of a project something seems to happen. That sounds selfish. Seriously, I would rather be interrupted by anything else besides what has happened here over the past several days.

Friday I noticed our nearly 11 year old ragdoll cat acting a bit off. He was still eating, but light, and spending more time sleeping in my laundry than normal. By Saturday morning I couldn't shake the feeling that something was very wrong, though the outside symptoms seemed to be invisible to anyone else. I convinced my wife to take her baby (whom she adopted 3 years before we met) to his vet appointment while I tended to Saturday chores with out three year old.

The diagnosis was grim. His body wasn't producing red blood cells. Instead of a healthy level between 25 and 50%, his red cell count was below 10%. His white blood cell count was low, as well. He was sent home since he was still at least eating a bit of food and treats, with four medications to combat a possible bacterial infection while some blood work was sent out for analysis (which would take upwards of a week.)

Coal continued to slide until Sunday night it was obvious that he didn't have long left. He was weak and collapsed into his litter pan. In a frantic last ditch effort to help the poor guy we rushed him to Michigan State University's 24 hour emergency veterinary clinic, roughly 60 miles away. It was 1:00am Monday morning by the time my wife arrived there.

The next several hours crawled by as I held vigil at home over the children (and a newly acquired hamster that was adapting to the house.) My wife and I both went two days without sleep. That never helps any situation. Our 3 year old was picking up on our sadness and commenting on it. His eating began to deteriorate and we were on the verge of sending him to his grandparents for a couple of days.

Monday afternoon we finally got a result from a bone marrow draw on the poor kitty boy. The good news was that it wasn't cancer. Unfortunately, he has an autoimmune disease and his own body is attacking his ability to produce blood cells. He was given a transfusion and put on medication to treat the autoimmune disease late Monday.

Today's update was that his blood cell count has stabilized, holding from his transfusion now that we have a plan of treatment underway. The vet said that Coal is a bit more feisty but still not eating. They were unaware of that cat's utter disdain for wet or canned cat food. So my wife went down there today to take a bag of treats and dry food that he typically eats here and to spend some time with him. The current hope is that he will begin eating in the next day or two and be able to come home soon.

To anyone who would say "it's just a cat" I would heartily roll my eyes. When you spend a decade with a creature who loves you and depends on you it isn't a pet, it's a child. Unfortunately, all of ours are aging and we have lost three in the past few years. Our remaining ones are 2 nearly 11 year olds and a 14 year old.

With this treatment we are hopeful and cautiously optimistic that Coal will live out the rest of his natural life, but each day is its own battle right now.

I am trying to be a bit more understanding toward myself no longer burying myself in my writing and feeling the motivation completely gone. There is no inspiration right now. I desperately want to finish the first draft of Maestra before I lose momentum but the story isn't speaking to me right now.

With a whole lot of luck life will slowly return to something resembling normal and the typically unending worlds within my head begin spinning again. Until then it's a matter of going through the motions and waiting to see if the bottom will firm up or fall out.

Lacking Character

'There, amongst the ashes of his enemies, the mighty warrior rises from the embers unscathed. His puritan standards have been upheld and all evil has been vanquished while everything good in the world now bows before his might!'

Ugh. So much ugh.

I received some feedback over the weekend that I may have taken in a weird way.

First of all, I am completely open to feedback on my stories. It helps me become a better writer but the feedback I got just kind of hit me in just the right way that it made the hamster inside my skull fall completely off his wheel for a moment.

The comment was that my main character should have been pure good to be a good role model to the readers and that, because he was conflicted, he was totally unrelatable.

Huh. I actually spent way longer thinking about this than I should have.

Here's the thing. ANYONE can write the stories that they want and this is in no way a criticism of how someone chooses to write characters or present a story...but...

Isn't that just tired and played out? I'm not writing a superhero movie (and often superheroes are full of their own conflict.)

I'm writing fiction about characters that people can relate to. Let's be honest. If such a thing as pure good exists it is exceedingly rare in the universe. Most people are fundamentally flawed and have their own inner demons dragging at them. These are the people I create. I like characters that are off-balance and tend to do the right thing for the wrong reasons. Part of horror, to me, is showing how utterly broken people can become in certain situations and how absolutely irrational their thinking can become.

I don't blame this person for wanting to read about upstanding people with the purest of intentions but...

...why would you read a horror novel and expect to encounter that?

So, now my mind has kind of fixated on that. Are my characters unrelatable to normal people because they aren't black or white? My antagonists often have very good reasons for being the way that they are, as do the protagonists -- which are anything but heroes.

I was just caught off guard by this. I had no response other than to just nod and say "huh, interesting." It is an interesting observation and I guess I should have expected it, but I just never realized that anyone reads horror novels seeking moral guidance from characters.

I am trying to heed the advice that I have given to so many, though. You can't make everyone happy. It's only natural that when you receive feedback your brain will ignore the 99% positive and fixate on the 1% negative. Why do I react like this? It's because I am just an average human who exists somewhere in the grey. I'm not perfect...just like my characters.

So, if you like broken characters that make poor decisions under duress, please check out FREE on Kindle Unlimited or $2.99 on eBook. The Morbid Fascinations of David Bennett. https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1701845431

and coming this summer, the follow-up: Maestra

Life Inevitably Gets in the Way

Last week I entered into the third act of the first draft of Maestri. Finally, after 75,000 words the stage was set and it was time to set Arabella out into the world on her own to see if she will sink or swim in the face of opposing forces hunting her down. I say finally because I really wanted to be at this point over a month ago. I love schedules. I don't force myself to write when I'm not feeling it but I love analytics and use them frequently to help me figure out a schedule for myself. I have a lot on my plate for the upcoming summer and figured that I would be done drafting by June or July and would have a solid two months for editing before sending Maestri off into the wide world at the end of summer 2020.

Oh, how life gets in the way.

My nearly four year old has been having potty training issues which are giving him anxiety. After working it out with his doctors it seems that all we can do is wait for him to develop a bit more. He's slowly showing the signs but until he does it is distracting and it takes a bit out of me, mentally. To non-parents it probably sounds pretty ridiculous but a lot of parents know that potty training is one of the most psychologically grueling stretches a parent can face in their child's development.

It's also a time of year where I just get into a funk.

On February 22 2006 my best friend's family burned to death in a house fire. Every single year it hits me all over again. Even after fourteen years I am still coping with the tragedy. I have nightmares and I hear voices and see things, mostly around this time of year. It's a completely natural part of the cycle of grief and I work it out in many ways. The theme of fire being a bit of symbol of death and rebirth in The Morbid Fascinations of David Bennett comes directly from this.

Spring is also around the corner, so I find myself staring out my window instead of at my Chromebook -- daydreaming of taking it outside and writing in the shade on a warm afternoon.

So, Maestri might get pushed back a month or so. It depends on how soon I can find my motivation. I feel that once I get past the first draft it will get easier. The road will have already been mapped, it will simply be a matter of finding the shortest route to my destination.

I hope you all can be patient. I promise it will be well worth the wait.

In the meantime, if you want to see the origin of these characters...

The Morbid Fascinations of David Bennett. Free on Kindle Unlimited, $2.99 ebook, or $12.99 6x9 paperback. https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1701845431